The 100: Semper Idem?
by Pookles
Summary: A Season 6 speculative fic for The 100. FIC HAS BEEN RELOCATED TO AO3! See update chapter for details!
1. Chapter 1

**Semper Idem...?**

 _Always the same…?_

 **Chapter 1**

An intense sunrise bled through the trees of the new and expanding village, as Clarke wove her way in and out of busy workers. It had been a month since the first exodus ship hit the ground of the new planet, which Commander Madi had dubbed _Novae Terrae_ at Bellamy's suggestion. It looked kind of like Earth, it had grass and trees, and mountains, and clouds, but the color was off. Instead of shades of deep forest greens, plants and leaves were blue, or yellow in color, and often alternated between these colors even within the same species.

The land the village was settled on, was at the top of a flat hill that gently sloped down to the flat grasslands that had been converted into farms. On the opposite side was where the forest seemed to stretch on for several kilometers before eventually coming to a wide river. It served as a nice boundary for patrols to follow around the backside of the village before heading down to the grassland. With all the land they'd already covered in three months, they'd learned a lot about _Novae Terrae_.

First, there were these giant 'balloon' trees everywhere. They weren't anything like the trees Clarke had seen on Earth, these trees were almost backwards in how they grew. Instead of having large, leafy canopies, these trees had giant trunks. Sometimes the stumps were hundreds of meters wide and tall, and not at all circular in some cases. The branches were small and gnarled, looking much more dead than alive, and held almost no leaves. Each tree was more than sturdy enough to hold itself upright, if you carved out the middle and made a house out of it. They were even strong enough to have windows carved through the bark. But when they started cutting the trees down, something about the wood changed and it became brittle; no longer strong enough to support the weight of Madi's boot, let alone a roof. The bigger trees had been reserved for communal buildings like the infirmary, mess hall, meeting hall, and communal housing for the prisoners. While the smaller trees had been allocated to certain people for one or two person houses, or for smaller buildings like storage or the armory.

Second, there were all kinds of strange animals, and it took a significant amount of trial and error to figure out which ones could be eaten and which couldn't. The prisoners were fed a meal of each animal that was killed to see if it was something their stomachs could tolerate. However, more often than not, several of the taste-testers were in the infirmary being induced to vomit up the poisonous food. There were other animals that liked to try and kill them, like a kind of flightless bird that had claws on the ends of its wings and toes and could spit rocks as projectiles. And then there were just strange animals, like the aptly named 'penis' snakes that often hung around in branches of the giant balloon trees.

For some reason, many women, and some men of the Wonkru warriors had been killing the snakes for sport, and Clarke didn't want to know what they were doing with them.

And third, there weren't really seasons. Since the planet rotated on a perfectly horizontal axis, the side facing the sun was always summer, and the side facing away was always winter. But they still had consistent day and night cycles because the planet orbited the binary suns perpendicular to the planet's rotation. They'd chosen to land somewhere between these two zones of extreme hot and extreme cold, and had found a pleasant temperature of twenty-one degrees Celsius year-round. The days were warm, and the nights were cool because the climate and season stayed the same, but they had real bad thunderstorms on occasion.

Because the balloon trees took so much work to carve out and create rooms in, the prisoners were working as a labor force to build and expand the village before they woke the rest of Wonkru. According to Madi, they would use this as their time to prove themselves worthy enough to have been saved. Clarke had chosen to work in the infirmary with Abby and Jackson, whereas Spacekru had been given positions within Madi's inner circle of advisors. Madi offered Clarke a place by her side, but Clarke had declined for a plethora of reasons -none of which she felt the Commander and her advisors would care to hear.

Clarke carried a basket of medicinal herbs that Jordan had grown in one of the newly-built high tunnels, and put them in the solar dehydrator to dry them. She entered the infirmary to see that it was already buzzing with activity. The sharp smell of medicinal herbs and sting of antiseptic flooded her nostrils when she passed the doorway, and already she felt sick to her stomach. The giant tree the infirmary was built into was smelling less and less like nature, and more like the white-walled hospital she sometimes saw in her nightmares about Mount Weather.

While eavesdropping on conversations as she jumped in to help, she quickly learned that the sudden influx of patients was because they'd carved out a large tree for the Commander's house. Carving a new building always led to many of them coming in with bruises, blisters, dislocated limbs, or strained muscles. Clarke tried her hardest not to agree with the prisoners, who were openly expressing their distaste for having to build such an extravagant house for a child. They also thought that she wasn't a strong leader because of her age and the fact that there were adults that followed her meant that they were crazy.

"Clarke," Abby's voice reached her. "You've been here all night. Go home and sleep."

The young woman knew that her mother wasn't about to let it go, and walked out of the infirmary without answering her. Her cabin was in the woods, a significant distance away from the infirmary and the rest of the village. Close enough to walk to if someone needed to come get her, but far enough that the trees and low hum of the forest muted the hustle and bustle of the village.

Her house was also carved from a balloon tree, but it was much farther out than the expected range of the village borders, and she'd done all the work herself. The outside was patterned with charcoal, which just washed away every time it rained -not that Clarke minded drawing new things on the walls of her home- and left giant black stains on the soil and grass. Up in the branches Clarke had relocated several bioluminescent plants that she'd found caterpillars on, to pots in the branches, so she could create a hub for them to grow and reproduce. She then used the glowing insects as lights in her home until they metamorphosed into glowing moths. They were released back to the wild where they would lay their eggs on the plants on the tree and start the process again.

Inside the house, Clarke had tried to carve as much furniture from the innards of the tree as she could, so she wouldn't have to make any later. She fit in a loft bed, a bathroom, a closet, a fireplace, a decently sized sitting area and had enough room left over to carve out some counters and shelves from the tree, and build an oven from cement to make a kitchen. The floor was also cement, and did well to cool the house during the day and retain heat at night. There was a window up by her bed facing the direction of the sunrise so it could wake her up in the morning, and there was a second facing the sunset, so she could draw all the different colors and cloud shapes before she went to bed.

She grabbed a basket off a shelf in the closet and went into her garden to pick some food for lunch. Plants from Earth grew exceptionally well in the alien soil, and Clarke was happy she was able to feed herself not only healthier alternatives to bread and salted meat, but also not needing support from the village at all. She was completely self-sustaining at her home in the forest. She picked kale, spinach, and cut the leaves from some of her beets -she'd planted far too many- before picking some strawberries. Whatever was in the soil really intensified the sweetness of fruits and the crispness of vegetables, and Clarke found herself munching on them as she strolled about.

She gave up on the prospect of making a leafy-strawberry salad, and opted to sit on one of the tree's giant roots that framed her garden to munch on her food. From there she could see the adventures of an animal that she'd managed to catch and tame. Clarke's turtle-duck was an enigmatic combination of mostly duck head and body and the ability to lay hard-shelled eggs, but also had a tough shield of an exoskeleton, covering its back and preventing it from flying. Either way, she was happy she had a way to get protein that didn't involve killing the cryptid, lizard-stags she'd seen, or eating soybeans. After six years in the valley, Clarke was more than done with eating soybeans for protein.

When she'd finished her meal, she sat there just watching the hybrid animal eat all of the alien insects that plagued her earthly crops. The sound of footsteps caught Clarke's attention, but she didn't reach for her spear. Murphy came around the corner of the house, and Clarke maintained the tension in her shoulders, but let the rest of her relax.

"Greetings fellow cockroach," Murphy gave her a mock salute before joining her on the steps. "I hope you're not doing anything today."

Clarke just stared at him with wide eyes and raised eyebrows -Murphy was the last person she'd expected to visit her.

"Well, Madi finally approved an exploration mission, and you need to come," He explained as his eyes surveyed the garden.

She could feel the dread pooling thick in her stomach, this was not going to end well.

"Madi said we couldn't go without a medic," Murphy explained properly.

Clarke just looked away and tried to maintain her composure. Going on an exploration mission that could last days, with the three people that hated her the most was _not_ something she was ready for.

"Did I mention that you don't have a choice?" He finished. "Jackson's tied up with the people that just got out of cryo, and your mom is helping the prisoners."

The homesteader hung her head and stalked inside her house to change clothes and pack a bag. As a peace offering, she held some extra rations out to Murphy, who hesitantly accepted them. They exited the house in silence after Clarke put her pet inside.

"It's nice and quiet out here," Murphy began chatting as they waited for the others to show up. "Do you think it's enough distance between us?"

She just held his gaze. He'd been baiting her with questions like this ever since Bellamy woke him up. He was still angry at her for how she'd treated them, and while Clarke couldn't blame him, she also couldn't figure out why. Murphy seldom liked her, but he was always able to understand her reasoning when she'd fucked up like this in the past.

"It's all well and good," He continued with a false pleasantness that made Clarke want to vomit. "Out of sight, out of mind, amirite?"

She nodded absently as Bellamy appeared from the tree line, alone. Murphy wore a quizzical glance, and Clarke held back a sigh of relief.

"Echo's not coming," Bellamy explained, looking uncomfortable as he approached. "She doesn't want to be too far from the Commander so soon."

The blonde swallowed her irritation with Echo's possessiveness over Madi, and Murphy kindly changed the subject.

"So where are we going?"

"To explore the land on the other side of the river and see if we should use it for hunting, farmland, or freshwater," Bellamy replied as he shifted his pack.

She exchanged a glance with them and sighed before walking deeper into the woods. The three of them did not have the expertise or tools needed to make that distinction. Clarke led the way through the trees, Bellamy just behind her, and Murphy staying unusually quiet the rear.

Clarke hadn't been speaking to anyone since they'd reached the ground, and for the first three months, no one wanted to talk to her anyway. Everyone had a problem with something she had done on Earth before they left, and found any reason they could to avoid her. She could've tried to apologize, and often did, but no one wanted to hear it. It was why she moved away from the village in the first place; if they didn't want her in their lives, then she could easily live by herself.

Hell, even Murphy held some things against her. It was a clear sign that she'd really fucked up this time.

Her lack of speech wasn't because she was angry with anyone -but herself-, she just couldn't find the point to speaking. No one had wanted to hear her thoughts about the exodus and the construction of the village; they didn't want to hear her opinions about anything. Her relationships with her 'friends' were still broken, and she didn't want to make anything worse.

Monty and Harper's last words of: "Do better," echoed through her mind constantly nowadays, and in addition was reminded of the promise she made to them the day she'd set foot on the ground.

If she was going to live, she was going to do better, by not doing worse.

She wasn't convinced that things would get better for her. The least she could do was rehabilitate Octavia, and give Jordan pointers about integrating into Spacekru so they could be safe and loved. That option was long gone for her.

The dark tendrils of her sins started branching from her fractured heart, and she shook herself before her emotions could overtake her. She couldn't do that here. Not with Bellamy and Murphy watching her every move. She tried her best to refocus on the trail, but it disappeared again when Bellamy matched pace beside her, blocking her left periphery.

"How have you been Clarke?" He asked good-naturedly.

The functional mute just barely glanced at him before she felt her heart in her throat again. She looked away and focused her gaze firmly on the trail.

"Murphy wasn't kidding," He commented. "You really don't talk anymore."

She avoided his eyes, and he took a long pause to carefully choose his words.

"Either way, thank you for coming Clarke," He told her with his signature half-smile. "It feels good to have you back."

It was a lie, and Bellamy knew it. She wasn't 'back' by any definition of the word. She'd been withdrawing into herself for months now, and he definitely had noticed, because he'd been reaching out to her all that time. Their friends - though Clarke didn't think of them as _her_ friends anymore- hated her, and didn't want her anywhere near them or Bellamy. So she just moved away and avoided them whenever she had to go into the village. The isolation just caused her to drift further and further away, and she felt that there wasn't any sweet-talking or convincing he could do to close that distance between them.

She instead gave him a small nod in return before re-focusing on the woods. If he was going to keep lying, so was she. Lying about her feelings hurt less.

By the time night fell, the trio reached the river and decided to make camp, rather than crossing in the dark. Murphy was trying to get a fire going as Bellamy kept watch, and Clarke was waist-deep in the river, carefully scooping out some kind of near-translucent fish with her bare hands into a basket.

Clarke could feel Bellamy's eyes on her as she climbed out of the current, and shrugged her jacket and boots back on before bringing the basket to the fire. Bellamy returned in time to watch the blonde woman artfully skin and skewer the fish before resting them between the coals to cook. She also skinned the remaining fish, salted, and wrapped them in some big orange leaves that were part of a shrub growing right by the water to eat another day. Once the cooked fish were ready, she passed one to each of her companions before taking one for herself. She kept her eyes on anything but the two sitting near her, who were making small talk about their jobs.

Murphy and Bellamy were both on Madi's advisory council, but Bellamy also worked as a member of the royal guard, and Murphy worked in the kitchens with Emori and occasionally Jordan.

"The stew you guys came up with was amazing," Bellamy continued. "Madi wants you guys to make it more often."

Murphy snorted, "We were only able to make it because someone was able to take down two of those giant stags the last time they went out. They're as big as cars, but the lizard-tail and legs have this green meat that oozes purple blood, and doesn't look remotely edible. We'd need four or five of them in order to feed everyone just for one meal."

Bellamy's eyes flicked to Clarke, "I only remember one person sneaking into camp that night."

Clarke just continued to avoid his eyes as she sprinkled some more salt on her fish. The creatures were a special kind of nasty.

"That was you?" Murphy asked with surprise, then quickly hid it. "Who knows? She probably stole them from a hunting party so she could take the credit."

"No hunting party had been out far enough to get to them," Bellamy told him sternly, as Clarke shrunk deeper into herself.

Murphy heard the warning in his words and shrugged, "Whatever."

They finished their meal in silence and Bellamy volunteered to keep watch during the night.

"I spent most of the day in bed today, so I'm good to stay up," He reassured them when Murphy asked and Clarke raised an eyebrow.

Murphy broke into a grin, "Ah...so it was _that_ kind of morning then?"

Clarke felt intensifying nausea in her stomach as a headache began to form. The _last_ thing she ever wanted to talk about was Bellamy and Echo's sex life. She tossed the remains of her meal into the fire, and went to go set up her tent a significant distance away from where Murphy had his stuff laid out. She heard Bellamy call after her, but ignored him as she found a nice dry spot.

Bellamy tossed his fish into the fire to burn and walked a short distance before he looked in the opposite direction of where Clarke had gone. He was angry that she wasn't responding to him at all. Murphy began setting up his tent once he finished eating.

"You can't force Clarke to do anything, Bellamy," Murphy told him as he struggled with the tent poles. "If she's gonna be a bitch, let her be a bitch."

The older man gritted his teeth as moved to help the younger, "She's not a bitch."

"Why else won't she talk to anyone?" The delinquent began. "She clearly doesn't care how we feel, if she won't even talk to us about it."

The older man shot him a glare, "You were the one who told her to go float herself, Murphy. Maybe she's not talking to you because you won't fucking listen."

Bellamy didn't even feel the punch to his jaw until he was sprawled out on the ground.

"I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say it's because she's a bitch," Murphy snapped as he flexed his hand. "She hurt you the worst Bellamy, and here you are defending her! What the hell is wrong with you? You should be on my side!"

" _Abusing_ Clarke is not how you make yourself feel better!" Bellamy shouted back, and before he could stop himself added: "It's how you drive a friend to suicide!"

Silence fell between them, and Bellamy prayed that Clarke hadn't heard him divulge her secret. _He_ wasn't even supposed to know.

It had taken them two weeks to wake up all the necessary people, and get everyone on the same page for landing. Clarke had been verbally abused and thrown out of meetings almost constantly despite Bellamy's intervention. He understood that his family was mad, but they had no right to treat her that way after she'd saved them _again_. A week before the first launch, Abby found Clarke asleep in a bed of her own blood in her quarters, with a knife buried deep in her stomach. With the help of some of Dioyza's men, they got her to the operating room and cleaned up the bed before anyone noticed. Clarke survived, and asked that if they wouldn't let her die, then they wouldn't speak of her attempt.

Dioyza had told Bellamy about it because she thought that he and Clarke were together and Madi was their child. Bellamy didn't even have time to set the record straight as he fought off the urge to go lecture his family.

"What are you talking about?" Murphy asked, quieter, and with a glance at Clarke's tent.

"Before we landed, Clarke tried to kill herself," Bellamy told him carefully. "Dioyza said couldn't live with the pain of everything she'd done. She knows she hurt you, but you don't care about her enough to let her try and make it up to you."

Murphy grabbed Bellamy's collar and shook him angrily, albeit for a different reason.

"Why the _hell_ didn't you tell me?" Murphy demanded.

Bellamy pushed him away, "Every time I wanted to talk about Clarke, you all just shot me down or left the room. This is on you. If you care about her, and want her to live, then stop being a child and go talk to her."

Murphy just stared at him for a moment and then crossed his arms, "She's not going to talk back."

Bellamy rubbed his face with his hands, "Do whatever the hell you want, Murphy. But if she makes another attempt, it's your fault for not trying to help her."

He turned on his heel and stalked toward the tree line, tightly gripping his rifle in an attempt to steady his emotions.

The next morning Bellamy didn't see Clarke until she exited the woods at dawn with a few dead bunny-cats for breakfast. They ate in relative silence before packing up camp and heading down to a shallow crossing in the river. Clarke drew her spear immediately upon stepping on the opposite shore and offered a small and silent prayer as the memory of Jasper getting speared flooded her senses. For just a moment, she was standing on the opposite bank of the river again, watching Jasper lay motionless on the ground in a pool of his own blood, the spear sticking out of his chest at an awkward angle. She took a moment to collect herself and stood, gripping her spear just a little bit tighter.

They could fight back now. It wouldn't happen again.

She looked to her comrades, who were staring at her with concerned faces. She felt the pain seep from her heart with every beat as she straightened and led the way into the forest. None of them had been there that day. Monty, Jasper, and Finn had died. Octavia was still alive, but deeply broken in a way that only she herself could really understand.

Clarke was thankful that Bellamy was bringing up the back of their group after their pseudo-talk the day before. She wanted nothing more than to scream and yell and punch him until he felt as bad as she did, but she couldn't do that to Bellamy. Between Octavia's former abuse, and her own past disregard for his feelings, she didn't want to add to his pain. He'd been hurt so much already, and she didn't want to hurt him anymore.

There were too many feelings she had when it came to Bellamy. She cared too much. They always ended up hurting each other one way or another, and now he cared about...well, anyone, more than he cared about her. She couldn't bring herself to go through the pain of being close with him again, only to know that she could never have him the way she wanted him. He didn't love her. He'd never loved her. In his eyes, she was a worse option than Echo now, and that alone made her want to run from him every time he tried to speak to her.

The building dread in her stomach suddenly evaporated when she heard a growl from somewhere off the side of the trail. Out of the trees erupted what appeared to be some kind of giant canine, but it had no eyes, a short tail, and a large, six-nostrilled nose. It roared, then charged, and Clarke leapt backward to draw Bellamy's sword. She ran forward and dove underneath the beast, slicing open its stomach as she slid across the forest floor on her knees.

It collapsed onto its side and blood gushed out of the long wound, quickly enough to only grant the beast one last breath. Bellamy and Murphy who were paralyzed for the span of the attack, walked over to deliver a kill shot each, just in case.

"What the hell was that?" Murphy asked as he turned back to them.

Clarke had knelt to examine the beast's face and quickly pulled out her paper and charcoal to sketch it. She tore out the paper and handed it to Bellamy with the note _to Raven_ written on the top. She then stiffened when she heard a twig snap. Bellamy took aim with his rifle as a second of the mysterious creatures appeared. It was significantly smaller than the first -about the size of a car compared to the size of a small cabin- and was cautiously sniffing everything.

"Oh shit did you kill its mother?" Murphy asked and Bellamy shushed him.

Clarke gently pushed the barrel of Bellamy's rifle to point at the ground and stuck her spear in the soil before rummaging through her pack. She pulled out a fish from the night before, and slowly approached the creature. When she was about three meters away, she held out the fish with an open palm, trying her hardest to stay relaxed and not move. Murphy was shocked while Bellamy watched in awe as the beast not only ate from Clarke's hand, but allowed her to pet it. Clarke gave it a piece of another fish as a reward and pretty soon she was smiling happily as she rubbed its belly.

Clarke shot a glance at Bellamy that seemed to be asking an obvious question.

Bellamy took a moment to consider his options, "It could be useful for hunting or rescue missions. Madi will buy that."

She nodded at him as they watched the beast roll over and Clarke carefully climb on its back.

"Well it's not the rover, that's for sure," Murphy commented.

Clarke's smile disappeared as she gently ruffled the fur of her new pet.

"Let's keep going," Bellamy ordered with a nod at Clarke and a glare at Murphy.

Clarke nodded back and gently steered the beast as Bellamy handed Clarke her spear. He couldn't help but compare her to some Celtic or Nordic princess, and was stuck in that fantasy for a while before he noticed Murphy watching him. The simple leather armor and long braids disappeared to reveal Clarke's short hair and leather jacket. Bellamy rolled his eyes and tried to keep his gaze from lifting from the trail.

Eventually the forest gave way to a gentle slope and then to a lake. Herds of what looked like giant deer drank from the water before disappearing into the woods on all sides.

"Hunting ground it is," Bellamy concluded. "It's too far to carry water, and we should preserve the habitat to maintain the stag's population."

Murphy nodded, "Okay. Then let's get the hell out of here."

When they returned to the river they made camp again in complete silence. Clarke was dutifully ignoring the men accompanying her and Bellamy was watching Murphy watch Clarke. When she set up her tent a noticeable distance from them, Murphy volunteered to take the first watch. Bellamy was suspicious of Murphy stepping up to do something, and watched him carefully make his way around the clearing, before stopping at Clarke's tent.

Bellamy couldn't see them well from the fire, but he saw Murphy sit on the ground outside and place his rifle a good distance behind him before Clarke emerged. With everything that had happened, Bellamy assumed that Clarke was feeling intimidated and scared by the prospect of Murphy wanting to talk to her, and considered going over to supervise. After several minutes of talking Bellamy resolved to get up, and when he did, he saw Clarke dip her head in a nod before Murphy gently touched her shoulder and left.

Bellamy watched Murphy with an expectant look in his eye, as the latter sat down by the fire.

"I don't forgive her," Murphy said. "What she did to you, Raven, Echo, and Shaw was too far. But she knows that. She doesn't need me constantly reminding her."

Bellamy knew that a single half-conversation wasn't going to magically fix things between them, but he reached out to pat Murphy on the shoulder anyway.

"I know she'll appreciate that," He answered.

Murphy just grunted before picking up his rifle and returning to his watch.

 **End Chapter 1**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Clarke cradled her turtle-duck -who she'd named Harper- as she walked about her expanded garden. From the far edge, they could easily see the barely-carved doorway of what would eventually become Murphy and Emori's home.

Harper squawked in her arms and Clarke gently hugged the bird a little closer, "Yeah. I miss them too."

It had been a month since the first exploration mission, and apparently Bellamy had given Clarke a glowing review of her behavior in the field, because all she was doing was exploring and mapping by order of the Commander. She didn't mind it, exploring large swaths of territory, bringing back new plants for Jordan to analyze, and drawing the mysterious creatures she encountered. But she hated it when they made her go with other people. Despite Clarke having gone on every trip, they never let her lead one of them. It was always Bellamy or Echo or Indra.

Clarke and Bellamy still had tension between them that she wasn't ready to deal with, Echo hated her, and Indra always wanted to get back quickly, so she could spend more time with Gaia. So Clarke always ended up having to go back out by herself in order to fix their terrible maps. Because of her new job, Clarke hadn't set foot in the village in a week and hadn't seen Murphy and Emori for longer.

Murphy and Clarke's relationship had improved significantly over the past month. He still didn't forgive her, and made sure that she knew it, but he wasn't openly antagonizing her anymore. Echo, Raven, and Emori still had that pretty well-covered. He hadn't told her that he knew about her attempt, but part of Clarke suspected that he knew anyway. It was the only thing that could've caused such a sudden change in their relationship. At this point, Clarke was healing as well as she could with the constant abuse she received every time she set foot in the village, and Murphy not pitying her or trying to make her feel better was helping. Clarke didn't want to be pitied, she got enough of that from her mother. He _was_ trying to understand her without belittling her feelings, which was something entirely new for them; though it was slow going since Clarke still didn't want to talk.

It eventually led to the decision of Murphy moving out to live near Clarke. He'd claimed that the village was getting too cramped and that he wanted his space from it all. Deep down he was still a loner, and Clarke wasn't sure if that's what he really wanted or not. Emori had been extremely resistant to the idea of being anywhere near Clarke, but watching Murphy not openly alienate Clarke was slowly softening Emori as well.

The last exodus to get the rest of Wonkru to the ground was underway, and the village was busy preparing for their arrival. Hunting, gathering, cooking and preserving everything they could find or kill, and building as many new homes as they could. Because Murphy and Emori worked in the kitchens, they were responsible for all of the preserving with Jordan, along with their cooking duties. Clarke usually saw them in passing when they got days off to work on their house, and was happy to see them busy and needed after their peoples had so easily tossed them aside before.

She asked a silent question to Monty, and could almost feel him smile as she did. Helping build Murphy and Emori's house would definitely be doing better. She deposited Harper in a basil patch before leaving the garden and beginning to work. There was a design pinned to the doorframe, which outlined everything that the pair wanted or needed. The tools she'd used to build her own house had been returned to the smithy, because she was told other people would need them. She hooked the saddle of her scent-beast -which Murphy had named Sniffer for his giant nose- to a wagon and rode to the smithy to see if they had any tools left over.

A brown-haired man was striking the hot metal of a sword against an anvil as she approached. He was definitely one of the prisoners, and Clarke wondered how he got such an important job when the prisoners were still on probation.

"What can I do for you, miss…?" He greeted her as he tossed the sword in a barrel of water.

Clarke dismounted Sniffer and began scribbling on a piece of paper. _I need carving tools to build a house._

His eyes narrowed, intensifying their green color, as he looked between her and the written text, "Who are you?"

She scribbled on the pad again. _My name is Clarke Griffin. I live just outside the village. I'm helping my friends build their house._

He took another moment to study her and held out his hand, "My name is Kent Dawson. It's nice to meet you Clarke."

Surprise colored her features as she shook his hand. _It's nice to meet you too._

"Bring your wagon around back and I'll get you what you need, doll," He told her with a smile and a wink before walking back into the smithy tree.

The woman couldn't help but blush lightly as the memory of Finn swam through her mind. His smile, his charm, it seemed to be reincarnated in the man before her. She took a moment to collect herself before grabbing Sniffer's reigns and leading him around the back of the building. The beast sat down quietly as Clarke fed him a piece of fish, while Dawson loaded the tools into the wagon.

"If any of them break, c'mon back and I'll repair them for you," He told her.

 _Thank you._ Clarke wrote. _I'll bring them back when I'm finished._

"Nah, keep them," He continued with a smile and then a wink. "I've fixed that set ten times now, and besides, it'll give you a reason to come see me again."

Clarke nodded once before mounting Sniffer and taking off into the woods.

It had been a _long_ time since anyone had tried flirting with her, and Clarke swallowed the bitter bile that rose in her throat. Wells had loved her, and had died before they ever gotten a chance, Finn had cheated on her and she had to kill him to spare him a more painful death, Nyliah wasn't really a girlfriend, more of a fling, and Lexa...Lexa's death was her fault as well. It was part of the reason why she was avoiding Bellamy so much. All they'd ever done was hurt each other, and if they fell in love -which would never happen- he would probably end up dead too. Not loving anyone was protecting them from her.

Having someone completely fresh and new seem interested in her was a new feeling. But it wasn't one that she was _at all_ comfortable with. He had no idea of the things she'd done, and if he ever asked, he'd just run for the hills. That much she was sure of.

The next day Clarke had to go exploring in the morning -since Indra was leading the expedition they'd be back by lunch- and decided she'd keep building the house in the afternoon. Except when Clarke got to the village atop Sniffer, the group wasn't waiting in the usual spot. Raven saw her looking around and approached her.

"Indra felt that there were more important things to do than mapping today," Raven explained with a gentler expression than Clarke had seen her with recently. "She said to tell you to take the day off."

Clarke nodded and turned Sniffer around to head back out when Raven called out to her again.

"Do you like it out there? Alone in the woods?" She asked, catching Clarke off-guard.

Clarke just stared at her with an indifferent expression. She couldn't tell if the genius engineer was mocking her or not.

"I just wanted to know what the appeal was," She said stiffly. "Since you convinced Murphy that it was a good idea to move out there."

Clarke just shook her head and scribbled on a piece of paper. _I didn't do anything. That was his decision._

Raven read the note and stared at Clarke, "So you're not going to admit to it?"

The blonde just sighed and turned Sniffer back toward the woods.

"No, wait Clarke!" Raven called after her and Clarke stopped, looking carefully over her shoulder.

The brunette hobbled up to Sniffer and hung her head for a moment. But when she met Clarke's eyes, she felt her anger rise in her again.

"I don't know how you got Murphy to forgive you, but I don't. It's your fault we almost died, because you didn't just shoot McCreary, the valley is gone, and Monty and Harper are gone too," Raven continued. "This is all your fault."

Clarke held her gaze the entire time without divulging any indication to how she felt. She dropped her eyes to write something on the paper and handed it to Raven, before heading into the woods.

 _He doesn't forgive me._

"What the hell are you doing?"

Clarke turned away from the wall where she'd been carving a window to face Emori, who was standing just inside the doorway.

"You're the one that's been building our house?" She asked again.

The blonde nodded as she reached for a piece of paper.

 _I don't have any mapping or infirmary work to do, and I wanted to help. I've been following your design exactly as you wrote it._

Emori read the note, but didn't stop glaring, "Why? All you've done is hurt us."

Clarke took a minute to carefully choose her words.

 _I want to apologize. But I don't expect forgiveness. What I did was awful and wrong, and you all have every right to be mad. And I want you to know, that I know that, and that I'll always regret it._

The look on Emori's face didn't change, and Clarke left the design pinned to a wall before taking her leave.

Even though Emori hadn't said anything, Clarke knew that she'd made the right decision to try and help. She hoped Monty was proud of her attempt as she loaded the tools into the wagon and rode Sniffer to the smithy. When she got there, she saw Dawson talking with Shaw while Raven looked around the shop.

When Dawson saw her, he smiled, "Welcome back Clarke. Did they break already?"

She shook her head and wrote: _I'm returning them._

He raised an eyebrow, since she'd only had the tools for a day. "Done so soon?"

She shook her head again. _They didn't want my help._

The blacksmith frowned as Raven and Shaw watched their exchange. "That's a shame. I don't know why someone wouldn't want help building a house of all things."

Raven took that moment to interject, "Whose house were you building?"

She scribbled a note: _Murphy and Emori's_

"Why?"

 _I want to apologize, and to help._

Shaw, whom had definitely suffered the worst at Clarke's hand before they'd left Earth, finally spoke. "That's really nice of you Clarke."

She met his eyes for a moment to give a small nod, and Raven wheeled around on him.

"Don't tell me you're buying her 'good little princess' act," The brunette snapped at him. "She doesn't mean it. She just wants us to forgive her so she doesn't feel guilty anymore!"

Clarke tried and failed to hold back her tears, and made no noise as they rolled down her face. She covered her mouth with a hand and swallowed a sob as Dawson moved to comfort her.

Shaw narrowed his eyes, "How could you possibly know that? Look at her!"

Raven turned to see Clarke crying, and the blonde turned away in a futile attempt to hide it.

"Does that look like someone who doesn't mean her apologies?" Shaw continued. "Did you ever consider what _we_ did to her? We tried to take her child, and even though she gave us up, she came back to save us."

Dawson was ushering Clarke outside as Raven glared at Shaw.

"You're supposed to be on my side!" She shouted. "How the hell have you forgiven her?"

Shaw shifted the weight between his feet as he tried to find the words to explain, "When I watched that video of your friend Monty with you guys, I felt like I was intruding on a special bond you all had, but Clarke is part of that. And when Monty said to do better, I saw that as not bringing old problems to a new planet."

Raven was beyond pissed, "Get to the point."

"I'm not saying what Clarke did was right, but she only did it because she thought it was the _only_ way to protect her child. I get that you had a shitty childhood, and don't know what it's like to have a caring mom. But right now, _you're_ the asshole."

Shock spread over the engineer's features before she stormed out of the smithy, without waiting for Shaw, and without grabbing the toolbox she needed to finish building the new rover.

Shaw watched her go and sighed before going out back to check on Clarke and Dawson. The latter wasn't privy to the events surrounding the former, and Shaw felt bad that Raven had forced him to get involved. Dawson was as nice as guys came, and his kind nature had dragged him into this mess.

When he came outside, Clarke had her face in her hands, tears escaping from between her fingers like the leaky faucet in his kitchen back home. Dawson had an arm around her, but wasn't saying anything. He exchanged a glance with Shaw and looked around for Raven.

Shaw knelt in front of Clarke and took her hands in his for a moment as he searched for something to cheer her up.

"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry," She croaked, her voice scratchy from months of disuse.

Dawson and Shaw exchanged a look. Clarke hadn't spoken to anyone since a week before they landed, and no one knew why. The guttural sound that came from her throat, seemed to reinforce how raw and painful this whole situation was for everyone involved.

"I forgive you Clarke," Shaw told her as he squeezed her hands. "I don't know you very well, but I was raised in a church, and we believe that everyone is deserving of forgiveness, as long as they atone for their sins."

Clarke met his eyes and Shaw continued.

"You've been atoning all this time. You live alone, without your daughter or friends. You shouldn't have to suffer like this forever. You don't need to atone for what you did to me anymore."

She nodded and squeezed his hands back before releasing them, and accepting the rag Dawson handed her to wipe her eyes.

"Thank you...both of you," She told them. "I don't deserve your kindness."

"What I don't understand is, how they're able to forgive us, the people they were recently at war with, and not forgive the person that won them the war," Dawson said.

Clarke shook her head, "I've done a lot of terrible things since I got to the ground. Too many to even recount. They've never held back before."

"You're not the only one. But when do you step up and defend yourself?" Dawson continued.

She let out a breath, "That'll only make it worse. I can't let it get _worse._ "

 **End Chapter 2**


	3. Chapter 3

Harper meandered through the garden on steady feet. Gobbling up hybrid beetle-worms, and literal horse flies while her mother ran around weeding and harvesting in the early hours of the morning. The small bird-reptile saw a pair of gray boots through the fence that didn't belong to her mother, and began squawking at the visitor loudly and obnoxiously so they would go away.

Clarke had ducked into the house for a moment to put a basket of apples away, and came outside to see Harper relentlessly quacking at Raven.

"You have a great alarm system," Raven called to her with a small smile.

The tightening in her chest and dropping of her stomach immediately sent Clarke reeling. She really didn't want to talk to Raven again so soon, especially when she hadn't slept well. And yet she found herself walking across the garden to pick up Harper, and deposit her in a reed patch as timeout.

"That's better." Raven fiddled with her hands. "Can we talk? About...everything?"

Clarke just stared at her, and found herself crossing her arms. Dawson was right. At what point would she decide to stand up for herself?

"I'm…" Raven let out a breath and Clarke could see her swallow her pride. "I'm sorry for screaming at you yesterday. Emori told us about finding you in their house, and you were just trying to help."

The blonde just held her gaze. Apparently a peanut gallery was needed to validate anything she said, and she tried not to get angry. She opened the gate, and silently instructed Raven to sit on one of the giant roots that framed the back of the garden, as Clarke ducked inside. A few minutes later she returned with a teapot and two mugs, as well as some paper. She placed the tray on the ground between them and sat on an adjacent root, waiting for Raven to begin.

Except Raven was wondering about something else in that moment.

"Why do you not just talk? Why do you write everything down?"

Clarke held her eyes for another moment before dropping them to the paper.

 _Writing out my responses gives me time to think things over. It helps with not just blurting out what I think or feel in the moment._

Raven inwardly winced for a moment before she met Clarke's eyes. "Can I try?"

Mild surprise colored the other woman's features, and after a moment, she passed her a piece of paper and charcoal.

 _Why did you hurt us? Why do you always hurt us?_ Raven began as Clarke filled a mug of tea.

She took a sip before replying. _Why do you guys always hurt me? All of the things I've done, have always been to save people, and you've always thrown it in my face._

The brunette took a moment to remember. Murphy, Bellamy, Monty, and herself had all thrown things in Clarke's face when she was trying to help. They did it without even considering her feelings, and she never threw it back.

 _When you guys left and didn't come back._ Clarke continued. _I didn't have anyone but Madi. And when Bellamy told me that we'd get out together, I believed him. And then turned around and put the flame in Madi while he left me chained in a cell, claiming that his family was more important than mine._

Raven finched. Bellamy had said that he helped make Madi the Commander to save them, but she didn't know that he'd provoked Clarke by doing so.

 _I didn't know that. He never said anything._

 _Because he doesn't think he made a wrong decision, and he didn't. I'm not angry about Madi being Commander anymore. But he didn't have to leave me there. He didn't have to completely disregard my feelings. I made new plans when he wouldn't let me kill Octavia, but I guess he just doesn't care anymore._

The engineer leaned against the root and took a long time to think over what she wanted to say next. She wasn't sure if she completely believed Clarke, but what she had been saying made sense. Clarke had never made a vengeful or violent decision unless otherwise provoked. It was how Mount Weather happened. Lexa's abandonment and Cage's ruthless dissection of their people despite the willingness to donate, caused Clarke to react in a catastrophic way.

And in that moment Raven realized that something didn't add up. She'd lost everything when they left, and while they thought she was dead, she was alive, alone, and horribly traumatized. No one had wanted her around when she came back into the lives. Hell, they had cast her aside and took everything from her, and still didn't care and she _still_ hadn't reacted violently at all against them. She'd taken their hatred time after time. Why hadn't she lashed out yet?

She wasn't sure how to ask the question, or what she would even expect to get for an answer.

 _I want to ask you something. But I'm not sure how to ask it._

Clarke just took a sip of her tea and waited patiently. Raven was surprised at her reaction and took a moment to pour herself some tea as it came to her.

 _What do you do after we lash out at you?_

The blonde read the message and let out a breath before beginning to write.

 _I internalize it. If I alone bear all the pain that comes from everything my people have been through, then I am the only true casualty. And everyone else can live happier lives._

Raven eyes went wide as the realization dawned on her.

 _Did you try to kill yourself?_

The engineer could watch the other woman tense up as she appeared to brace herself.

 _Which time? There were three._

She could tell that she was having a hard time keeping herself composed, but Raven needed to know.

 _All of them._

Clarke took a shuddering breath as she began to write.

 _The first was a month after praimfaya, I hadn't found the valley yet. I passed out from dehydration before I pulled the trigger._

The guilt shot through Raven faster than any pain ever had.

 _The second was about three months into my sixth year. Madi found me before I could do anything._

Clarke had to suffer because Raven couldn't get them home on time.

 _The third was aboard the mothership about a week before we came down here, and that was the closest I came._

She'd failed her.

Raven watched as Clarke trembled and tried to hold back her emotions. She crossed the space between them, and pulled the other woman into a hug.

"I'm so sorry Clarke," Raven told her as she rubbed her back. "I was so busy being mad at you that I didn't consider how you felt all this time."

Clarke was openly sobbing. It was the first sound Raven heard her make since they landed. She just held her as she cried, and felt tears come to her eyes as well.

"I'm...sorry," Clarke rasped between sobs and Raven's eyes went wide. "I never wanted...to hurt...you."

"I-It's okay Clarke. I'm sorry for not asking or caring. Especially when you had to suffer for longer because of my incompetence."

The functional mute shook her head and it was Raven's turn to burst into tears.

"I forgive you Clarke...But let me take on some of the blame."

She met her friend's eyes and nodded.

"I forgive you too...Raven."

The blonde embraced the brunette as it became the latter's turn to cry. Clarke held Raven through it all, and eventually they sat side-by-side with red puffy eyes, tear-stained cheeks, and soft smiles.

Clarke had written something on a folded note and passed it to Raven.

 _Forgiveness isn't about who deserves it and who doesn't. It's about giving yourself and others what they need to heal._

The engineer smiled as the homesteader stood to pick up the spilled tea.

"I'm glad we talked," Clarke cleared her throat. "It really helped."

"Me too," Raven answered as she glanced toward the village. "You should probably talk to Bellamy."

She immediately shook her head as she set down the tray on the steps. "That's the last thing I want to do."

"Is it because you love him?" Raven asked as she wiped her face.

She pulled the sleeve of her shirt away to see Clarke staring at her with wide eyes.

"Six years may have passed, but I can still read you like a book," Raven explained. "Do you love Bellamy?"

Clarke sat down again, "Yeah, I do. But it doesn't matter...He doesn't care."

"I think he does," Raven replied. "He cares about you more than anyone else."

Clarke didn't look convinced as she took a moment to think over her words. "Not anymore. He cares about anyone else more than he cares about me. He's only reaching out because he feels guilt, not regret."

Raven held her ground, "He was a mess on the ring without you. It was at times, unbearable to live with."

"And that all went away when he decided that I wasn't part of his family."

Clarke had a point, and Raven knew it. But she also knew that Bellamy had feelings for Clarke. There were too many nights up on the ring, where they'd be drunk on moonshine and he'd profess all of his regrets -most of them about her.

"I still think you two should talk. Even if it's not as productive as ours was," Raven prodded. She liked the idea that she got Clarke to talk to her, but she wouldn't be able to heal if she couldn't to talk to everyone.

She just sighed and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, not responding.

"I'll kick his ass after," Raven continued with a smile.

Clarke broke into a small smile and was about to say something else when Harper started squawking again. Two sets of eyes flicked across the garden to meet a third, as Bellamy stood outside the garden fence, watching them with a surprised expression.

"Spoken words would go a long way with him," Raven finished as she stood. "He's been really worried about you."

But the blonde didn't seem to hear her. "Don't blame yourself for leaving me behind, Raven. You did what you had to do. I don't blame you, so don't blame yourself."

Raven studied her for a moment before leaning down to give her a reassuring hug. The conversation she was about to have with Bellamy was going to be bad, but Raven had no right to be there. It was something they had to work out for themselves.

"I won't. I'll stop by again soon."

The engineer walked toward the gate, and perfectly ignored Bellamy's presence as she picked up and deposited Harper in the reed patch. The animal quieted, and Raven headed for the village.

Clarke watched Bellamy from where she sat on a tree root, and made no effort to move. He realized this, and came through the gate, closing it firmly behind him before approaching her.

"Your garden is beautiful," He said awkwardly. "I don't think I've been out to your house before."

She just watched him shift his weight back and forth on his feet, as he tried to read the papers that were scattered on the ground like leaves. She realized this and quickly moved to pick them up. He moved to help her, but she just quickly snatched the scribbles he'd collected and hurried them inside the house. It was probably the first time Clarke cursed herself for having such legible handwriting.

Bellamy cleared his throat as Clarke returned. "I heard about the fight you and Raven had. I wanted to make sure that you were okay."

Clarke saw Raven's point about him being worried, but couldn't really place why as she wrote on a new piece of paper.

 _We're okay. We talked it out._

Bellamy rubbed his beard as he scoffed, "That's good. Why aren't you talking to me?"

She paused for a moment to think, and in that moment Bellamy tore the paper from her hands, and threw the entire book across the garden.

"So you can talk to Raven," He almost sneered at her. "Someone who's been tearing you down ever since the war. But you can't talk to me? I've been defending you! Checking on you! And you still can't just talk to me?"

She was stunned as the tears began to prick at her eyes again. Her gaze dropped to her lap as she let them fall. He didn't know why she couldn't. He couldn't know about her attempt. He couldn't know. He shouldn't have to worry about her. Excuse. Excuse. Excuse. Telling herself that was the only way she could keep herself calm.

Bellamy saw her breaking down and pulled her into his arms.

"I'm sorry for yelling," He said, still hung up on it. "I'm just frustrated that you don't think you can talk to me. You can, Clarke."

She gently pulled away from him and shook her head. There were too many reasons why she couldn't. The anger in her was building, and she bit her tongue to keep from snapping at him.

"Why not?" He was breathless and defeated, but held her tightly when she tried to move away. "Tell me Clarke!"

In that moment, she broke, and all the anger came out.

"I don't trust you!"

Despite the hoarseness of her voice, she'd still managed to shout it at him, and wrenched away from his grasp when it loosened. But Bellamy was too caught up in the moment to care. He smiled for a moment at the fact that he got her to talk to him, but then he processed her words, and the frustration returned.

"How can you not trust me?" He demanded.

"Because I did trust you! And you stuck a knife in my back and left me there!" She was screaming now, the tears freely flowing down her face. But they weren't from sadness or grief, they were almost red with anger and betrayal.

"You told me we'd get out _together,_ " She sneered at him. "Then you left me in a cell, while you took my daughter from me! You _left_ me Bellamy!"

She sunk to the ground as her angry shouting gave way to broken sobbing, and Bellamy just looked away.

"You took everything...from me," She sobbed, concealing her face with her hands. "And you don't even care…"

He just stared at her, unable to act, unable to speak as he tried to wrap his head around her words. He thought that if he could just save Clarke and get her away from Octavia, then they could work it out later. That's what they always did, and it always worked.

Putting a twelve-year old at the helm of a gladiator cult wasn't at all what he wanted to do, but it was what he had to do. It was the only option he had. He wanted to scream. Why couldn't she of all people understand that?!

"I regret leaving you there," She told him as she steadied her voice, but didn't meet his eyes. "But you don't regret what you did to me and Madi. As long as your family lives, no one else matters. That's what using your head and heart tells you."

Bellamy reached out to grab her before she could run inside. "Clarke, you _are_ my family. Madi too."

Her hand connected with his cheek and she wrenched her arm away before starting toward her house.

"You have a funny way of showing it."

Raven leaned out from behind her tree as she heard Bellamy approach. She'd heard the whole argument between him and Clarke, and part of her was glad that Clarke was finally standing up for herself. She'd endured their abuse for far too long. Maybe Bellamy would think carefully about his actions from now on. But just in case…

She shortened her stride to let Bellamy catch up to her. "That sounded productive."

He avoided her eyes, but scoffed. "Yeah, real productive."

"Are you kidding? She wouldn't speak to you before, and now she can yell at you," She continued cheekily. "That's progress."

He let out a long breath, "I just thought out of everyone, she'd understand why I did it. But she thinks I don't care."

"No," Raven began to correct him. "She understands why you did it, but she thinks you don't care because you don't regret hurting _her_. She didn't care about her life if it meant Madi would live. But now she has to live without her daugher, and you. Madi has a people to lead, and she can't trust you. And that's your fault."

Bellamy stopped and looked back down the trail, he could barely see the house now. "I should go back."

Raven grabbed his arm before he could, "No you shouldn't. She needs time to calm down, and you need time to figure out how the hell you're gonna fix it. And I'm gonna help you."

"Why?" He asked, like it was the most absurd notion in the world.

"Because most of this mess is my fault, for not getting us home on time," Raven told him. "And I need to make up for it too."


	4. Chapter 4

Since adventuring was put on hold because no one wanted to do it, and she wasn't allowed to go out alone, Clarke went back to work in the infirmary. Helping Kane get back on his feet was one of her top priorities when her mother wasn't around, and she was just helping him to the bathroom when Shaw and Dawson came in, supporting a weak, and heavily bleeding Dioyza.

"Go," Kane told her as he held onto the wall.

Clarke immediately turned and began barking orders at the two men.

"Get her up on the bed!" Clarke called to them. "Someone find me Jackson or Abby!"

Miller whom was on guard duty in the infirmary all morning, bolted out of the room as Clarke began looking for supplies. She brought over a bunch of towels and surveyed Dioyza's opening.

"Did your water break?" Clarke asked.

Dioyza let out a grunt as she nodded.

"It broke and then she just started bleeding everywhere," Shaw told her as he tried to hold Dioyza steady.

"You're almost fully dilated Dioyza," Clarke told her. "Push just a little for me. We need to get this baby out now."

Jackson came rushing in and asked for the status as Clarke began gently pressing on Dioyza's abdomen.

"Okay Dioyza, start pushing!" Jackson told her, and then turned toward Clarke. "Either the wall of the uterus or the placenta itself is ruptured."

"What does that mean?" Dawson asked.

"It means that unless she pushes this baby out it's gonna drown in her blood," Clarke summarized. "Push Dioyza!"

Dioyza screamed as Bellamy and Raven came into the infirmary. No one paid them any mind as Clarke tried to guide the baby Hope out of Dioyza as quickly and as gently as possible.

"We need A-positive blood!" Jackson called as he typed Dioyza, and an apprentice quickly ducked into the stockroom.

"I've got the head!" Clarke said as she saw the umbilical cord wrapped around the baby's neck. "C'mon Dioyza! The sooner this baby is out the sooner it stops hurting!"

Dioyza gave one final scream and definitely broke Shaw and Dawson's hands as the baby popped the rest of the way out. Jackson cut the umbilical cord and Clarke pulled the baby away.

"Make a hole!" Clarke shouted as the onlookers jumped back.

She could hear Jackson shouting to others as Clarke got the baby onto a separate table. She was silent, and upon further inspection, not breathing. She immediately unwrapped the cord and began CPR.

"C'mon baby, don't die before you can see the world," Clarke muttered as she gently breathed into her mouth, and even more gently pushed on her chest.

She tried to cough and Clarke held the baby on her side and she coughed again, almost a cup of blood coming out onto the table. After a few minutes of coughing and CPR, the baby began crying loudly, lungs sounding completely clear of fluid. An apprentice brought over a bowl of water and Clarke took a minute to breathe before gently washing the baby with a cloth.

"You saved her."

Clarke turned to see Bellamy and Raven standing nearby. She ignored them and quickly finished washing the baby before swaddling her. She delivered the baby to Dioyza just as she yawned.

"You saved her Clarke," Dioyza said as she smiled "Thank you."

Dioyza's head rolled back as her exhaustion took over. Clarke grabbed the woman's shoulders and shook her.

"Listen to me Colonel," She said in her most authoritative tone. "You are not done until this baby stops crying. You have a job to do. Stay awake."

Dioyza smirked and seemed to pull herself together as Jackson got the blood transfusion and IV fluids going. Clarke let out a long breath and cast a weak smile at Jackson who smiled back. Kane had hobbled his way over, and was being supported by Bellamy as Raven pulled over a stool.

"Do you have a name?" Bellamy asked as he helped Kane sit down.

"Hope," Dioyza said quickly before he could suggest something. "Her name is Hope."

Raven snorted, "It's better than Bellamy's names."

"Hey Doc, any chance I can get my hand looked at?" The Dawson asked as he and Shaw held up their hands.

"Come over here," Clarke said. "Everyone else should give the mother and child some space."

Clarke quickly set and wrapped Shaw's hand before turning to Dawson.

He smiled, "It's nice to see you again, Clarke. I didn't know you were a doctor too. You can really do it all."

His tone was genuine and a little flirty as Clarke pushed a strand of hair behind her ear, "It's not broken, just bruised. Ice on and off every twenty minutes and you'll be fine and...I'm not a doctor."

Dawson snorted, "Better than most doctors I've seen. My mom had seven kids and I never saw a doctor immediately start on CPR to save the baby."

Clarke stared at him in surprise. She'd never get used to his praise. "What the hell else would they do?"

He shrugged, "They always tried to use fancy equipment to figure out what was wrong, rather than just jumping in and helping."

"Sometimes just jumping in isn't the best plan," Clarke told him, feeling her experience weighing heavily on her shoulders.

Dawson eyes seemed to sparkle and the weight lifted some, "I disagree. You saved that baby girl's life today, Clarke. I'd say that's good enough evidence."

She couldn't help but break into a small smile as she finished with his hand, and went to go help Jackson with the baby and Dioyza. Bellamy had watched the whole exchange and felt an emotion that he couldn't place. He was just talking to her. Admiring her ability to save a baby like any rational person would do.

But Raven had his number. She could see the jealousy rolling off him in waves. Clarke had taken to talking to Dawson faster than any of them, and she could feel how not okay Bellamy was with it. Especially when Clarke was still angry with him.

Once Clarke was no longer needed, she slipped out the backdoor of the infirmary tree and sat on the steps, trying to stop herself from shaking.

"Rough day?" A familiar voice asked.

Her head snapped upward to meet Octavia's eyes. She stood a fair distance away, leaning against the side of the tree. Clarke didn't respond right away, which prompted Octavia to ask again.

"I heard screaming," She said bluntly. "Did Dioyza have the baby?"

"Y-Yeah," Clarke stammered as she covered her eyes with her hands and tried to focus on her breathing.

Octavia raised an eyebrow, "Are you okay?"

Clarke chuckled, but didn't look at her, "Better question: Are you?"

It was Octavia's turn to chuckle, "I'm better than I was. I go visit Jordan a lot."

"I'm glad."

"Me too. I thought he'd be scared of me."

"I'm not scared of you."

Clarke uncovered her eyes to see Octavia staring at her in surprise.

"You're not?"

Clarke shook her head, "I see myself in you. I probably would've done the same things in your situation."

Octavia's gaze dropped to the ground, "But you wouldn't have let the power go to your head."

"Maybe not this time. But I had in the past...with Lexa."

The surprise colored her features again and Clarke offered her a smile.

"If there's anything you need, Octavia, you know where to find me."

And for the first time in a long time, Octavia smiled.

"Thanks Clarke."

"No. Thank you for keeping them alive."

Clarke sighed as she rolled out of bed to answer someone pounding on her door. Harper was right by her side, quacking in annoyance at being woken so early in the morning. She opened the door to see Dioyza and Dawson, the former holding little baby Hope, and the latter carrying a bag.

"Hey Clarke," Dioyza greeted her. "Mind if we come in?"

Clarke scooped up Harper and stepped aside to allow them in, before Dawson closed the door firmly behind him.

"Wow," He began. "It's so warm in here."

"It's designed that way," Clarke told him. "The sun from the south-facing windows is absorbed by the floor and the floor keeps everything warm."

Dawson just stared at her in awe as Dioyza cleared her throat, "The reason why we're here Clarke, is that your mother was concerned about Hope and I getting the flu from staying in the infirmary. Three people have already come down with it in the past day."

"You want to stay here?" Clarke summarized.

"If you don't mind having us," Dioyza finished.

Clarke glaced at Dawson who put his hands up, "I'm just the baggage boy."

She looked back to Dioyza and nodded, "Fine. But my guest bed is a mattress on the floor down here with a bunch of pillows and a blanket. I can't offer much of anything better than that."

Dioyza broke into a smirk, "We've slept in worse than that, right Dawson?"

"Those cabins in the village are the worst Colonel," He added with a playful smile. "Not even the desert in Kuwait was that bad."

Clarke was too tired to humor their humor and instead put Harper down. She went to go drag out the spare mattress she'd made from the excess of Sniffer's fur. Harper did her part in carrying over pillows and even took a moment to sniff the baby.

"Harper won't hurt you or Hope," Clarke told Dioyza, who was glaring at the animal. "She lays eggs and is a pretty calm animal."

"She seems friendly," Dawson said as he knelt to gently pet Harper on the head.

"She's named after one of the most friendly people I knew," Clarke told him. "I like to think that Harper's spirit talks to me through her."

Dawson broke into a big smile, "That was beautiful Clarke."

Clarke just felt the somber mood set in and nodded in acknowledgement.

Dioyza was grinning at Dawson as he realized what he'd said. He quickly dropped the bag before claiming he was needed at the village and left.

"He likes you Clarke," Dioyza said immediately. "I mean I know you have a kid with Bellamy but-"

"What?" Clarke wheeled around to look at her, and when she didn't immediately respond added: "What the hell are you talking about?"

Dioyza just blinked, "Madi isn't you and Bellamy's child?"

Clarke's eyes widened to saucers, "No. Madi isn't related to me or Bellamy. Or anyone here for that matter. I just adopted her."

A plan formed in Dioyza's mind and she smiled as she cuddled Hope, "I'm not sure I believe you. She looks so much like you and Bellamy. And when he rode in with a coffee mug to save you...damn. I really thought you two were a thing."

Clarke sighed as the confession came easily to her, "I wish. But he'll never look at me like that when he has someone else."

Dioyza saw the pain on her features clear as day and relented, "Well if he's with someone else. Why not give Dawson a shot?"

"I don't think anyone could love me if they knew what I've done."

"Dawson was my right hand man on those government raids. Before that he was the best soldier in my unit. He's done just as bad if not worse. But he's still a kid. He has time to turn over a new leaf. Just like you."

Clarke held Dioyza's gaze for a long time -the look on her face said that she was not going to let it go- then looked away. Dioyza was one of the few people that knew about her attempt, and an even smaller few that Clarke felt comfortable talking to. The Colonel didn't judge her, or treat her like she was broken. She just treated her like a girl, and that's all Clarke wanted.

"How would I even know if he's interested?"

Dioyza chuckled, "Ask him."

Clarke just rolled her eyes as a blush dusted her cheeks, and Dioyza laughed.

"Are you shy?" Dioyza asked as she belted out a laugh. "How is the woman that murdered my baby's father shy?"

Clarke firmly met Dioyza's eyes, "You don't have to be confident to be a murderer."

Dioyza's smile thinned, "Touche."

Being nocturnal wasn't a new experience for Clarke. She'd done it hundreds of times on the Ark during her apprenticeship, and even more so during their first few weeks on the ground. Except now, she wasn't completely nocturnal because she just didn't sleep. Between working long hours at the infirmary during the day, and caring for baby Hope at night because Dioyza was too heavy of a sleeper to hear her cry, Clarke was running on fumes. It had only been a week with the mother and newborn in her home, but despite the inconvenience they added to her life, she was still fiercely protective of both. They both needed Clarke in a way that she hadn't been needed before, and she was thankful for that. She already loved Dioyza like a second mother or a really cool aunt, and no one could hate a baby. So in turn, she would protect them if it ever came to it.

The baby's familiar cry woke Clarke just as she was about to close her eyes, and she rolled out of bed. It was early in the morning, so early in fact that it still wasn't light outside, and didn't see any point in trying to get her or the baby to go back to sleep when she would just sleep during the day anyway. She dressed and strapped her sidearm to her belt before going downstairs. She changed the cloth diaper, and emptied the contents into the compost before tossing the rag onto Dioyza's laundry pile.

"Are you making a mess just for me?" Clarke said in a normal speaking voice. She liked to think that Hope didn't like people cooing at her all the time.

The baby giggled and Clarke rolled her eyes, "The things I put up with for you."

She grabbed a bottle from the fridge Raven had made for them, and carried the baby out onto the porch. She sat down and freed Hope from her tightly-swaddled prison before giving her the bottle. They rocked on the chair together as Hope ate, and Clarke watched what remained of the stars.

Clarke wasn't sure when she drifted off, but she woke to the sound of someone coming down the pathway. She at attention and aimed her sidearm at the person as they started up the front steps, still cradling the child with her other hand. The first light of the suns was starting to bleed into the air, so she couldn't make out who it was. The person stopped dead with their hands up in resignation as Clarke inspected their person.

"Easy there Auntie Bear. It's just me," Dawson's said cheekily as he stepped back. "Shooting me would wake the baby."

Clarke holstered the weapon, "What are you doing here?"

"I came to see if you needed help. I helped my mom with my sisters when they were little," He explained as he pulled over a chair.

"So you thought dropping by before sunrise without asking was a good idea?"

"Dioyza sleeps like a rock, and I figured that you might want a break."

She was too tired to question him further, and carefully passed him the baby, "That crib you built has made it so much easier to get her to sleep."

He shot her a smile, "Really? Good."

The conversation between them died for a moment.

"You're not good at this, are you?" He asked.

"What?"

"People. You don't seem comfortable opening up to people."

Clarke looked out at the snow. "It's been a while since I've been around other people. I guess I'm still adjusting."

He gave her a confused look and she took a moment to find the courage to continue.

"The nuclear reactors that were left after the bombs melted down six years before you guys arrived. A select few people took refuge in a sealed bunker, and I was going to go to space with my friends, but a lot went wrong and they had to leave without me. I was okay with dying, but I didn't," She told him.

Dawson just stared at her, "So you were-"

"Alone," Clarke cut him off as she pushed back the flood of painful memories. "So I'm sorry that my interpersonal skills aren't better."

It'd come out harsher than she'd intended, but Dawson just reached out to take her hand.

"I'm sorry," He said, gently squeezing her hand before pulling away.

Dioyza's suggestion echoed in the back of her mind, and she grabbed his hand before he got too far. "You're not wrong though. I've always been bad at it. The separation just made it worse."

He chuckled and turned her hand in his, "I take it back, you can share just fine.. But maybe I can help you improve on it."

"How?" Clarke blurted without thinking, and immediately cringed at the stupidity of her own question.

Dawson noticed this and grinned at her, "You could start by telling me your favorite color."

She blushed and broke into a small smile as she began talking about her art, and her room and cell on the Ark, and how her dad told her that an artist wasn't supposed to have a favorite color. Dawson told her all about the years of work he put into restoring his old pick-up, after explaining to her what a pick-up truck was. They talked for hours, so long that baby Hope was fast asleep and showed no signs of waking up anytime soon. They shared almost everything about their lives before the new planet. Clarke left out the dark and gory bits of her past, and with the occasional haunted look Dawson wore, she assumed he was doing the same.

Dawson was laughing at an old joke, while Clarke just looked confused when Dioyza appeared on the porch not long after sunrise.

"Have you two been out here all night?" She asked as she tried to hide a smirk.

Dawson didn't miss a beat as he turned to her, "Good timing Colonel. How do I explain memes to someone who's never had the internet?"

Dioyza just chuckled as she collected her sleeping child and paused in the doorway, "Come inside and talk. I'll make breakfast today."

Dawson stood, and quickly moved to steady Clarke when she wobbled.

"Are you okay?" He asked with eyes full of concern.

"No," Clarke answered. The honesty felt easy in his presence. "I haven't been sleeping well."

"Here, let's get you into bed," He offered.

She shot him a look and he snickered, "Just you, Clarke. You need to take better care of yourself."

A defeated groan escaped her before Dawson effortlessly scooped her up into his arms, and carried her up to her bed. Once her weapon was safely stored and she was ensconced in blankets, did she meet his eyes with some confidence.

"Thank you Dawson," She told him, catching him by surprise.

"You're welcome, Clarke...and call me Kent." He told her with a charismatic smile. "How about next time we talk over dinner?"

Clarke stared at him for a long time and Dawson nervously rubbed the back of his neck.

"Too soon?"

She snapped out of her trance, "No, no. I'd love to. I've just...never been asked on a date...ever."

He smiled, "Then I'll make it the best first date ever. How about I pick you up here, tonight, a few hours before sundown?"

Clarke felt herself smiling, "I'll see you then. Should I bring anything?"

"Just your beautiful self, doll," He told her before heading for the door. "Sleep well Clarke."

After he left, Dioyza gave her a quick thumbs up, "I'm glad he finally realized that Netflix and chill isn't classy anymore."

Clarke just raised an eyebrow as the older woman chuckled and tucked Hope in her crib and started on breakfast.

"Stop it Clarke," Dioyza told her. "You are definitely the most beautiful woman Dawson has ever dated."

Clarke stopped fiddling with her hair and allowed Raven to fix it again.

"Just be yourself," Raven told her. "I, for one, am glad that you're moving on from Bellamy. All he does is complain and brood nowadays."

The room went eerily silent as Dioyza sighed, "I thought we agreed not to bring that up."

"I think we should anyway," Raven said as she turned Clarke to face her. "I know that you love Bellamy. We all know...except Bellamy...and Echo. And he still wants to be with her. So that means you have every right to go looking for someone else. Hell, you could bang every guy in the village if you wanted."

"We know it hurts Clarke," Dioyza added a bit more gently as she bounced Hope on her hip. "But Dawson will do right by you. He may have done some horrible things, but at this point, we all have. Give him a fair shot."

Clarke thought it over, and put on a brave face as she nodded at them, "Okay."

Knocking on the front door pulled the group from their moment and Clarke answered the door.

"Hey Clarke," Dawson greeted her. "You look great."

Clarke was wearing a patchwork dress, made of a few purple, red, and black patterned fabrics she's sewn together. Raven had braided her hair -which was getting long again- into a little circlet around her head, the rest tucked neatly into a bun.

"You do too," Clarke said meekly as her shyness immediately returned. Her cheeks were already red.

He didn't look any different than he did the day before, but he was carrying a pack. He was grinning and his eyes were sparkling with excitement, as he held out his hand for her to take. She placed her hand in his and Dawson waved to Raven and Dioyza as they walked out into the forest.

Once away from both the village and her land, Clarke just watched the trail as they walked, and Dawson was watching her.

"It's okay, Clarke," He encouraged her. "I'm glad that I'm your first."

Clarke nodded, feeling embarrassment flush through her, "Yeah…Dating wasn't something I ever had time for."

"But you do now," He pointed out as he gave her hand a squeeze. "So let's try and enjoy tonight, okay?"

Clarke finally met his eyes, "Okay."

Raven gently smacked Shaw to keep him quiet as they and Madi followed Clarke and Dawson through the forest. The second that Dioyza told them that someone had asked Clarke on a date, they were already formulating a list of all the information they had on the 28 year-old, former US Army First Lieutenant. Most of their knowledge came from Shaw, whom had shown up with his Elligus file of his own inclination.

They cared about Clarke too much to watch her get hurt by someone they didn't even know. And if it turned out that Dawson was good for her, then they wanted to give Clarke their support. She'd even roped Murphy and Emori in on the action because there was nothing else to do. They still had their grudges against Clarke, but since Raven and Shaw had forgiven her, they had softened quite a bit as well.

They found out that he was part of Dioyza's unit in the US Army, and deserted with her to start their terrorist spree. He was extremely reliable and loyal, and aided other soldiers in getting help for post-traumatic stress disorder. He wasn't legally tied to any of the terrorist attacks that he and Dioyza carried out, but he went to prison for murdering a faction of the Italian mob operating in the US, for raping two of his six sisters.

The evidence was stacked in Dawson's favor when they brought it to Madi, and she was the one who suggested the stakeout. She was also the one who made the decision to exclude Bellamy from their mission.

"He's gonna lose it when he finds out," Murphy had commented through his snickering.

They held back behind a grouping of rocks as the couple stopped at a small clearing.

The sun was pouring in from a hole in the forest canopy, and light did just enough to illuminate Clarke's hair and give her an ethereal glow. Dawson put down the pack and pulled out a blanket before setting it on the ground, and helped a smiling Clarke sit down. He produced a small dinner of salted meat, bread, and some greens for the two of them and lit a few candles around them. He poured them wine and Clarke seemed incredibly impressed by the amount of effort Dawson had put in.

"This is amazing," Clarke told him as he sat down to eat with her. "Thank you so much."

"You're welcome," He told her, shooting a flirty smile her way.

When the food was finished, they put the dishes away, and Clarke leaned into Dawson when he put an arm around her. They just sat there, talking and drinking Jordan's specially-made wine as they watched the sunset over the trees.

"So...now that everything has been going so smoothly," Dawson said long after the conversation had died. "I was hoping we could talk about things that aren't so...smooth…?"

Clarke smirked at his choice of words, "Like the rough stuff? Aren't you supposed to...not do that on a first date?"

"Yeah," He said, taking another swig. "But screwing things up is my nature, and I figure if we get it out of the way now we can skip the whole dramatic reveal of our terrible pasts later."

Clarke snorted with laughter, "You gave a girl wine and expected her to not be dramatic?"

Dawson smiled down at her as she rested her head on his shoulder again, "You go first."

"No, you go first."

The group behind the rocks were having a hard time trying to contain their laughter. They always knew drunk Clarke was hilarious and were happy to see that she hadn't changed.

Dawson was smiling too as Clarke refilled her cup. He told her about his time in the army, about all the missions he went on to kill terrorists, corrupt officials, and other enemy combatants. He told her about the terrorist cell they were part of in the States; getting rid of all forms of legal corruption within the country. He told her about his sisters, how he lost one before he ever got to meet her, and how two of them were chosen to be the whores of the leader of a faction of the Italian mob. He told her about the nightmares and panic attacks, and the constant weight of those things he carried around with him.

"I've killed hundreds of people Clarke," He told her. "I never even saw most of them, and I condemned them to die."

Clarke set up and stretched her neck, "I think that's better."

"What?"

"I've killed 965 people," She told him as she suddenly donned a detached demeanor. "Which is a lot less than I thought. I didn't see all of them, but I was close by, or facing them as I killed them."

Dawson just stared at her.

"I remember most of their faces, but I spent six years learning all of their names." Clarke said, then met his eyes as she sat up and away from him. "I think that not seeing them makes it easier to handle."

Clarke told him about everything, the killings, her friends, what was left of her family, her attempts. And Dawson watched her speak until she stopped. As she told the story of the shitshow that was her life, the dull gray she had covered her memories with began to peel off. She once again felt all of the emotion she had pushed away, rolling off of her like rain. Neither moved for a long time, just two people who had bared their souls sitting in the same space, lost in themselves and each other. No one behind the rock realized they were holding their breath until Dawson reached out to Clarke, and pulled her to him again.

"That...sucks…" Was all he could muster.

Clarke hiccupped in what sounded like some strangled form of a laugh as she began to break down. They couldn't see her face from the angle, but it quickly became apparent that she was both laughing and sobbing at the same time. Dawson eventually joined her and the pair laid out on the grass, laughing and sobbing at their collective misfortune.

The peanut gallery behind the rocks were stunned at Clarke's admission. How she really felt about them, how she'd tried to kill herself because she couldn't live with the weight of her sins or without the support of her family. But that concern quickly evaporated as they watched the pair's crying dissolved into laughter, and they each felt lighter.

"They're adorable, I think," Murphy whispered and everyone nodded.

Emori was tearing up, "They have a more fucked up connection than Murphy and I do."

"I don't think that's possible," Shaw deadpanned.

"What do you think Madi?" Raven asked the child.

Madi didn't move her eyes from her surrogate mother, "I think Bellamy's gonna be pissed."

 **End Chapter 4**


	5. UPDATE: NOT A CHAPTER

THIS IS NOT AN UPDATE!

Hello everyone! After reviewing 's community guidelines, I've found that the content my story contains is not allowed on their site, and I cannot continue posting chapters of this fic on this site. BUT FEAR NOT! I have continued posting chapters on Archive of Our Own. If you're not familiar with the site, definitely go check it out. Their guidelines don't limit me at all really in terms of what I can write for content, and that gives me the freedom I need to write that I want to write.

Just search "Semper Idem" on Archive of Our Own under "The 100" or "bellarke" and you should find it written by me! Pookles!

Also because of 's guidelines I can't post a link in here, and I have to add some narrative element. So here's an excerpt from one of my later chapters.

 _"What do we do now, sir?" A guard asked as they surveyed the carnage before them._

 _Russel's eyes raked over the gaping hole in the wall, and the men he'd lost. Most of them weren't dead, except for those that had been guarding the child. He recovered quickly from it and smiled to himself. They were expendable after all. The deformed had no place in doing anything other than dying._

 _A wry chuckle escaped him. Grabbing the Commander and her guards had seemed like a good plan at the time, but he hadn't expected the swift, and sudden wrath of her people to come crashing down. But he had to put faith in his backup plan. It had to work._

 _So much had gone wrong for them. The Elligus III colony wasn't supposed to suffocate in space. They weren't supposed to be reduced to a society that harvested their own people just to survive. They weren't supposed to die out before the last of the human race._

 _They weren't doctors, or geneticists, or pharmacologists. Everything they'd accomplished, they had figured out by accident._

 _It was luck that had gotten them this far._

 _And Russel knew that he couldn't face his father or his grandfather if he'd failed here._

 _"Prepare a party for tomorrow at midday. No one is to be armed," Russel began. "Our fate will be decided then."_

 _It had to work._

Thank you everyone for your support! PM me if you have issues finding the fic on Archive of our Own!


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